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A Letter to My Mother's Inner Child

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These are my thoughts, yo.

A Letter to My Mother's Inner Child

jasmine banks

Hi Susan,

I want you to know that you are beautiful and powerful beyond measure. I want you to know that it is time to heal and thrive. Before you can heal, though, you need to hear some things. 

I'm so sorry that your family didn't believe you when you were brave enough to tell them what happened to you. I am sorry they didn't give you what you need to feel safe. Nothing that he did to you was your fault. You deserved to be believed, to be supported, and to be protected; it was wrong how much your family failed you. I'm sorry for the lies they taught you about yourself. You are not the troublemaker, the outcast, or the dramatic one. No. You were the family barometer. You know how butterflies and bees are the first to feel the impact of toxic environments? That is you, Susan. You are that powerful tender creature that alerted everyone that there was an overload of toxicity. Those folks thrived in the toxic environment, though, so they tried to crush your wings. 

But you survived.

I'm sorry you didn't have what you needed. I am sorry that you felt the constant anxiety and pain of not having enough to eat, the clothes you needed, and the warmth of routine and structure. You deserved safety and good love.  I'm sorry that you didn't feel like you had the option to follow your creative dreams. I want you to know that no matter how old you grow you always have permission to embrace your creativity. You are an artist. It makes sense that you abandoned art and creativity-- your fear and pain wouldn't let you imagine new worlds, so you abandoned it. You'll need to give yourself space to image again.

One day you'll marry a man and have two children. You'll use your resiliency and power to teach your two children how to navigate this world. You'll raise them to honor their Blackness. You'll teach them to fight injustice. You'll show your daughter, in particular, what it means to be a fierce woman and mother. Mother's aren't perfect, though and you'll hurt her. A lot. You won't believe her when she tells you about her sexual assault. Hurt people, after all, hurt people and you'll be confused about how to advocate for her-- you weren't given an example of that. She'll spend her teen years and twenties trying to reconcile her deep love for you with the deep wounds you've created. By her thirties she will understand you. She will understand why you made the choices you made. She will understand how your family and the world conditioned you and other sexual assault and incest survivors to self-blame and dismiss; to sweep the unsightly parts of abuse and violence under the rug. She will forgive you and move into an unshakeable respect and grace for you. You'll need to forgive yourself, though. That will be your most difficult task. You'll need to believe that she forgives you. She does. You'll need to tell yourself that you deserve grace, despite how heavy the weight of your regret is. You'll need to release the wonder and gnawing question of "what if I had believed her, what if I had acted differently?" The constant "what if" you put yourself through is further victim-blaming. You didn't know what you didn't know. You'll need to know that she advocated for daughter and protected her daughter like you never did for her. Like your mother never did for you. How astounding that you raised the daughter who would correct the family course and bring healing to all the women in your family who were never believed, protected, or fought for.

You did that, Susan. YOU birthed and raised and nurtured that warrior.

She was born from that pain, and now has a daughter who can thrive because of her actions. While she is healing, and her daughter is healing, it is time for you to heal too. Heal Susan. Release your regret. Let it float away and in its place let glorious hope, love, and grace fill in the cracks from the absent pain. May you be held together by the promise of what her daughter and her daughter and her daughter will do to transform the history of your suffering into deep and unmovable redemption.

Love Jasmine