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These are my thoughts, yo.

A Week of Things

jasmine banks

So it was a week. No no. It was a fairly crappy week. Sudden and bizarre incontinence, ceaseless stomach pain, heartburn, maybe I have an abdominal tumor? Or a baby I didn't know about? Going to the doctor and telling him about all my weird symptoms, in the way I do a lot of things, laughing and telling good jokes and being very entertaining, but all that thinly covering my panic that something is actually wrong with me, or the slightly more horrifying thought that nothing is wrong with me except hyperbole and immaturity. I always see in such extremes, in either giant hairy spiders or mere imaginary dust bunnies.

Heaviness and dread and clouds. Vague hopelessness and anxiety. More mysterious stomach pains and the itchy sensation that I am actually just annoying the shit out of everyone. Two pregnancy tests, both negative (and trust me, I met those negatives with Thank GOODNESSes). I slept alot this week. Wrote alot. Cried a little. Got my toenails painted. Went to work and took care of my other kids, the ones who weren't grown in me but who still find their way inside my heart. I played and took care of the kids I did grow in me, and swirled in pride as Norah mastered bathing her own self and Max continued being charming. I circled in monotony. I baked a cake and ate a piece. I bought a new shirt. I took antibiotics for a bladder infection.

I was validated this week, and embraced the relief that I hadn't done anything wrong, and then was pissed that I had even gotten to a place where I needed an external circumstance to tell me that I was mistreated.

So yeah. It was a week. A pretty crappy week. But the good news is, the week is over. It is Friday. Tomorrow is yoga day. I have put some plans into motion to figure all this out. And weeks like this are not forever.

(PS It takes a lot of internal strength and determination for me to actually admit when I am hurting, my default status, again, being to deflect with humor and pass things off as "a funny story". Well not all stories are funny. Some are hard to tell. So if we can just leave these sentences where they are, that'd be great. I'd really appreciate that.)