Back in February I decided to do you a favor and compile a list of aphrodisiacs and anti-aphrodisiacs for all your sexy time needs, but then forgot about it and never published it. The list is about what I consider aphrodisiacs and what I believe should be universal, but I am sure people could argue with me about it. I don't know how this list will be useful for you, unless you find it funny. If you find it funny then awesome, we all win. Aphrodisiacs
1. A person who can cook. Even better if they can cook risotto. If you can execute a risotto, specifically with caramelized onions, you can hang with me. You know why? There is a lot of stirring and waiting and concentration involved: all things that mirror what it is like to have sex with me. 2. Poetry, and no I am not talking about Where The Sidewalk Ends. That book is a fucking work of art, but you will not get me hot and bothered with a Shel poem. I would say woo me with moist poetry if I was so against the word moist. 3. Pictures of naked people hotter than me: Just not ones that you could ever sleep with. If you have the remote chance of being able to sleep with them I will wonder why you have a naked picture of them, how you got it, and OMG WHY ARE YOU CHEATING ON ME?! 4. People who loathe Tom Cotton. Nothing like mutual hate to get the engine roaring... AmIright? 5. Big natural hair. I might also ask you about your hair regime... But before that I'll be all super google-eyed about how sexy you are. 6. A well balanced cup of coffee. 7. Soft hands. If your hands looks like they could shred my delicate parts, it won't work. 8. Athletic. I put this one because my list started to feel obscure and there is a tiny part of me that wants to be a joiner. 9. Be Laura Prepon 10. Be Idris Elba
1. 401k. That shit is boring... Unless 401k is a code word for something. Is it? 2. Piles of clothes on the bathroom floor. Just no. 3. Asking me to look at that one thing on your butt. No. I don't know if it is a bite or pimple or whatever. I am not looking 4. Untagging yourself in my photos of us on social media. OMFG GOD ARE YOU CHEATING ON ME!? 5. The word moist 6. Tom Cotton 7. Anything with the Lumineers or a ukulele involved. 8. Your drawn out explanation about your Paleo Diet. Your drawn out explanation about your fitness regime. I don't care about what you can clean and jerk. Unless clean and jerk is that move you do with your tongue. Then yes. 9. Geography pop quizzes 10. High pitched voices
Go forth and get it on. If this helpful list leads to copulation and copulation leads to conception and you keep that love child, well obviously it is only right if you name it after me. You are welcome.