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These are my thoughts, yo.

Baby Brown #4

jasmine banks

Garrett looked at me the other day and said, seriously, "I'd really like to have another child." He explained how he weighed the financial, emotionals, and all the other important things and come to the realization that he wanted a fourth child. Isaiah and Addison are partners in crime, extremely close, and wonderful support to each other. Tobias, though he is still young, is clearly divided from them. Odd man out. A fourth tiny would give him a friend and make our family complete. The only child we planned was Addison...and we had to take fertility meds to have her. I am a strange breed of woman. High androgens and PCOS means that I don't have a period... I've had maybe FOUR in my life. Which just means I am extra awesome, or as that doctors call it "Infertile". How can I *still* be classified "infertile" when I have three kids? Can we not take that off my record? No... why? Well, because the doctor says without menstruation and dropping eggs my lady plumbing is considered infertile.

We got pregnant with Isaiah by surprise. You got married in June, here is your October SURPRISE! Moooorning sickness! Then, when Isaiah was older, we wanted to have another baby. I got pregnant, briefly, and miscarried. We consulted an OB and he called me the "I" word again. After a year of trying on Clomid and progesterone (the hormone drugs from hell) we gave up. Three months later we got pregnant. I gave birth to Addison and then got pregnant shortly after. I also miscarried that baby.

Our marriage got rocky and we didn't know if we'd keep it together. Then we found out we were pregnant with this guy- and we decided to give our marriage a bit more of a chance. We should have named Tobias "condom failure". Condom failure was born to the infertile woman through an unlikely broken condom during a "maybe we should get back together" makeup sex session.  Ah life... you are, indeed, tricksy!

We discovered chemical birth control worsens my medical condition and turns me into a crazy harpy.

Two months ago I got another positive pregnancy test, and then another miscarriage.

You see. Like most things in my life I live in this middle space. Not absolute introvert or extrovert, not Black but not White. I am neither fertile or infertile. A "fertile" woman knows when she will cycle and drop and ova and is able to get pregnant and carry that child. An infertile woman cannot get pregnant for various reasons. She is considered infertile because:

  • fertilized eggs or embryos do not survive once they stick to the lining of the womb
  • fertilized egg does not attach to the lining of the uterus
  • eggs cannot move from uterus or womb
  • ovaries have problems producing eggs
Three obstetrician and two endocrinologist are stumped! They don't know how I keep getting pregnant. An ultrasound of my ovaries show a right dead ovary (I had surgery as a child and half of it was taken) and left ovary full of painful cysts (Hooray PCOS!).
So when my husband says, "I'd like to have a fourth baby," it means a lot for my body.
I am considering it. 
I haven't made a decision.
I am afraid of another miscarriage
I am afraid I won't be able to get pregnant again.
I know I am luckier then a lot of "infertile" women.... I have three kids, already.
Am I being greedy?
I hate to think of the rude comments families with more than two children get.
At the same time, since our life and marriage have been so painful in the last 18 months, it would be healing to be able to choose to bring a child into the world together in love and with intention. Another pregnancy, and child, would be a beautiful way to close a very hard chapter of our life- like a planned finale. I don't know. I am on the fence.
But there is a possibility of Baby Brown #4
Having a uterus is so complicated.