My trip to Dallas was lovely. Garrett and I attended the casting call, though we almost missed it because of the drive. I didn't get a callback.
I am not upset about it.
I would have liked to be on the show, but I am excited for all the deserving people who will be.
Everyone else is upset though. People keep saying really nice things like... "Did those casting directors meet YOU? YOU are awesome!"
I am flattered, really.
One thing I reflected on the next day, after not receiving the casting callback, was the question that Holland Weathers (the casting director) kept asking. She went around the table and asked people follow up questions: "What has your weight kept you from doing... how has it held you back." "What would you like to do when you lose the weight." It was as she was asking the question that I realized that I didn't have an answer to that. I mean sure, being overweight my ideal weight has kept me from wearing a size 2.... but that has NEVER been a goal of mine. Regardless of my weight I have set goals and conquered them. I ride a bike, I ride roller coasters, I swim, I dance, I am married, I have kids, I wear a bikini in front of people, I wear heels, I jog/run, I've been on a horse (and hated it!). I furiously rolled through the list of things I couldn't do because of the number on the scale and I couldn't think of one thing.
I don't have anything, really, that I can claim held me back because of me weight. Sure, I have suffered being called nasty names, judged, and I have been told, "You have such a pretty face." Those things are about other people, though, not about me. As far as personal goals I can say that my weight has held me back from nothing.
I have reflected the last few days and come to understand that my journey with weight has been a purely an emotional struggle. Suffering from depression and anxiety and PTSD has compounded the weight gain. I was rolling all these thoughts around in my head when I realized this:
I was willing to leave my family, friends, and home obligations for 5 months to participate on The Biggest Loser- I can't use being busy, children, time, or other obligations as an excuse if I was willing to sacrifice those things to participate on the show.
I was willing to submit myself to a process where other people set goals for me- I can set goals for myself and believe in myself more than any of those other people can.
I was able to leave town, pay for a hotel room, and pay for gas to travel to the casting- If I can sacrifice money for that, I can sacrifice money for a gym membership, new running shoes, comfortable workout clothes, or whatever else I might need to be successful.
The process of applying for The Biggest Loser helped me to see that I was placing "weight loss" and "that size" as a far of dream that I could keep chasing in order to be distracted from really making the choice to change habits. Like an addict who leaves room for relapse because they aren't fully ready to stop... I kept myself in the place where I ignored the clear and simple reality:
I have the power to make the changes in my life that I desire.
So I got my gym membership.
Daily I make the choice to take care of myself.
I have stop making excuses.
I have decided that health is my choice to gain or lose.
I don't NEED The Biggest Loser.
I NEED to stop making excuses and accept responsibility for my own unhappiness and desires.
I have lost 4 lbs. just this week.