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Inside the Mind of a Bulimic

Blog

These are my thoughts, yo.

Inside the Mind of a Bulimic

jasmine banks

Project-Totus.jpeg

I had an appointment with a certified dietician. The same dietician that I was referred to by asshole doctor who fought with me about my chosen way to eat.  

Ya'll I felt so bad for this girl. She was a tiny blonde five foot nothing who had no idea what she was walking into. I sat down in her office which was festooned with "supplements". Chocolate weight loss bars and meal replacement shakes were stacked up on the desk. Her first question was, "So Jasmine. Why are you here?"  My first response? "To prove Dr. ______ wrong!!" She immediately became uncomfortable. I paused to clarify that I was not angry or defensive toward her. I was angry and defensive toward this ridiculous notion that I HAD to eat this fake food shit to take care of my body.

During my appointment with Ms.Marquart, who was a doll by the way, I used words like "whole foods", "mental wellness", satiety and true hunger". She said she wanted to meet with me to measure my body fat, my metobolic rate, and to make sure I am eating enough protein that I needed to be healthy.... and that weight loss could be a different topic at a later day.

 

A day after my appointment I feel a little shaken. I feel like I should weigh myself, go on a diet, go for a run, pinch my fat to see if it feels smaller, and then start all over again. I feel like I will NEVER get there. I feel like maybe it is all about being smaller.

These are called Bulimic Obsessive Notions. They are ideas that become compulsive fixations.

These notions are not what I want to focus on. I am still in the process of recovering and healing the Bulimic and disordered tendencies I have/had.

So I am rallying. Chanting to myself that I can do this. Remembering I am loved, strong, and valuable. And flipping the bird to any diet any dietician, doctor, or "helpful friend" wants to suggest to me.

 

Marching on.