My therapist stared at me unblinking as she awaited my answer. I grew more uncomfortable and shifted on the smooth leather couch. I wrestled to bring forth an answer to her question. It wasn't a new question. My psychiatrist had asked me the same question about a year ago.
what do you do to relax and enjoy yourself
I didn't have an answer and I didn't know. The activities in my life have always needed to have a reason and a purpose. As goofy as l can be with people, and on social media, my internal life is a serious life.
When your life has been a really difficult life, it can be easy to not know how to create space for joy and play and space for relaxation. We become so acclimated to strife and struggle that comfort and carefree becomes suspect.
I play roller derby because it is a fitness exercise. I run for the same reason. I cook because I like it, but mainly to just feed my family and people I love. There are few things in my life that I get lost in... That I do just because and I don't work hard to find a utilitarian purpose.
So we are on our way to a mini weekend away. I plan to play. I plan to let my children teach me how to not take myself so seriously and to let go of fear. They are so good at being themselves without fear.
Slowly slowly I'll learn to release and embrace this new life with less strife and more joy.