Within Chemistry, titration is a practice of balance. Important and volatile chemicals are slowly and carefully mixed in small amounts. These amounts can sometimes appear minuscule. These amounts, however, if added with other compounds too quickly could explode the beaker. Chemical fire, fume inhalation, total chaos could result from mixing too fast. So, instead, you titrate to find the balance and ratio you need. Each of us needs a different ratio, just like the varying compounds you mix in Chemistry. Maybe I’ve taken the metaphor too far...
So too, in life, we need titration. Humans are built, I think, to slowly add in the difficult compounds in our lives. Too fast, too much can result in significant pain. A proverbial chemical explosion of life. In a previous post I wrote about the importance of loving myself at every size. This is still true (even if my size is size crazy). I decided that the first steps of this journey meant enlisting help. I’d like to think I can hold the world up all by myself. I can’t do that. Neither can you. Even if we think we want to, we can’t. I have determined the team of people I need to become healthier. Becoming healthier means facing some demons, some trauma, that I have suppressed and run from a long time.
Today was my first session with my psychologist. She, I have determined, will be my good pair of walking shoes. I intend to use her help to guide me safely and comfortably through past trauma and assist me in finding healing and resolve in those places. I’ll no doubt write about her here during this journey. When I met with her she was so warm. She asked me to explain who I was and as I did she retorted, “so, you’re a bullshitter...” I immediately knew we were a good fit. She talked to me about the importance of titration. I told her I had this internal sense of urgency. This need, pull, to fix what was wrong inside me of me now. She smiled warmly, “That is what trauma does. It creates this pull that everything must be dealt with immediately. But we are going to pace ourselves.” PACE myself? Mmmm. I am skeptical. It is the same reason why I never liked murder mysteries. I hate waiting to know.
- Identify the bad guy quick
- Punish them
- Move on to freaking out about something else...
Turns out she has a pretty good sense of what kind of person I am and surrendering myself to the process means trusting her. So I agreed to pace myself. Pssh.
Titrate. Allow myself tiny drops of this new compound into my life. Maintain balance and resist the urge not to pour out the whole bottle. Start a fire. Choke on the fumes.
I was never really any good at chemistry.