It was just a moment that you felt it. You know what I am talking about. You felt deep pride in your accomplishments. You felt contentment with where your relationship was. You were peaceful. You only allowed it to happen for a moment, because as soon as you felt that feeling you sabotaged. You whipped out your invisible list of all the reasons you can't be happy and recited them in the town square of your mind. Somewhere along the way you were taught that you didn't deserve happiness, joy, love, connection and contentment. You also crossed off peace and excitement. Someone taught you that rule first, directly or indirectly, and then you adopted it as your own. I am not talking about the hedonistic pursuit of excess. I am not talking about greed or an unquenchable drive for more, more, and more. I am talking about the basic good feelings that counterbalance the pain and fear that we experience because the world isn't perfect. Why don't you believe you deserve them?
In those moments, when your shoulders have loosened and the white noise in your head softens to an almost impossible to hear whisper, you are feeling content. As soon as you realize what that suspect feeling is you kick fight and flight into high gear and search every corner of your relational and emotional surroundings. "People are not to be trusted" also becomes "I can't trust myself to choose the right people to love me and look out for my welfare."
Some people are assholes and don't deserve your trust. But not all. You don't have that kind of luck. It stands to reason you'v met at least a few people who were deeply kind and wanted to love you well. The problem is that you were suspect of them too, so whatever potential was there was likely ignored.
No! Don't do that! Put the mental pencil down. You don't get to add what I am saying to the list of "Why I always fail at everything". This isn't a reprimand. This is a request for you to recognize your rights.
Did you know that you have the right to feel as good as you can? Did you know that taking the easy way out is actually a really good form of self-care. It is a really good way of saying: I will choose gentleness for myself.
What if you let someone help you?
What if you let someone love you?
What if you trusted that you will be safe if you experience peace, because even if the worst happens you are an adult who will be just fine?
What if you stopped sabotaging your own happiness and stopped being so comfortable with the painful path?