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These are my thoughts, yo.

Some Days Are Like This...

jasmine banks

The sun shines in the window. It warms my skin and heats up the room. The joy should be palatable, but it isn't. Isaiah begs, "Mommy... PLEASE can we play." I hear myself answer, "No honey. Mommy doesn't feel good."  

He doesn't understand. I don't look sick, so how could I be sick.

This is depression.

That hardest part is having my mind. I make no qualms about the reality that I have a brilliant mind.

Sharp. Fast. Creative

And completely trapped inside a body that is riddled with depression. My arms and legs are heavy. My smiles aren't real. I get so angry. I feel like I should be able to will myself to move, to enjoy the taste of food, to feel hope. But I can't. Every day tasks become too big.

This is depression.

People who struggle with Major Depressive Disorder, like me, well... we get the label of lazy, melodramatic, unorganized, undependable, and chaotic. Those labels aren't true. Thoughts float through my head and I wrestle them back. It is like another person lives there, whispering poison to me all the time. I still go through the motions- the things that are keeping me holding on.

Today I fantasized what life would have been like to know one one at all. I felt compelled to run away. Live on an island. Never have to be with another soul again.

This is depression.

So I pull the covers up over my head and press my face in the bed. The voices of my children run up and down the hall echo and reverberate through my body. My sister is here with me, caring for them, helping me (again). I want so badly to stand up and play, to be alive and active, to smile and mean it... but I am hidden beneath this dark thing without a name. I mourn so much. I have lost so much. I hurt so much.

This is depression.

SO many people suffer from debilitalting depression. Be it environmental or chemical origins, depression is serious, frightening, and frequently debilitating. I came home from Green Mountain at Fox Run SO raw. Some medical issues and that experience fueled this episode and I am crawling back to "normal". Have you ever struggled with depression? What helped you?