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These are my thoughts, yo.

Filtering by Tag: loss

A Year After Suicide.

jasmine banks

Yesterday was the anniversary of the night when Vince called me from Micronesia. I knew what he was calling for before I even answered the phone. Teej was gone. Suicide. In some areas of the world suicide, or attempted suicide, is still a crime. I wonder how and why you'd punish a crime that is born from despair. Our world and our inability to face existential realities are dumbfounding. I think that is that hardest part about losing Teej: Suicide comes from deep deep despair. Despair is a place with no light. A place so dark, one would rather close their eyes forever than bear the weight of that darkness. So you close your eyes.  She was in so much despair. Her life, though, is markedly different. There was also so much hope and love.

I still can't clearly say how the loss of my dearest friend is shaping my life. It is hard to say with any loss, really. What I do know is I continue to live and honor her in how I live. I carry her with me. My child bears her name. Her drawing marks my body. The love she infused into my life cannot and will not be taken away. Suicide can do many things, but it can't shatter love.  I am working to move from allowing the loss of her life be the definition and into embracing who she was during the time I had her. She belonged to all of us, but most of all to Africa and words. I'll go there one day there and I will write.

If you need help, reach out -> to anyone->to everyone-you aren't alone Screen Shot 2014-07-24 at 9.33.45 AM

pic 001 pic 003 teej Teej and Isaiah Teej Teasdale

Life Still Blooms

jasmine banks


So yesterday I published the sad reflection on what has been happening in my marriage. It was (and is) dark, painful, and raw. Like all things on the internet, if you take one snippet of something it can give a picture that is disproportionate. Yes, my marriage is on the rocks (has been for awhile, y'all). Yes, the company I was working for told me they were hiring me and then suddenly told me I didn't fit in culturally. Yes, OMG WHAT AM I GOING TO DO TO FEED MY KIDS NOW!



Life blooms and things are good and I am growing and so are my plants.

I am regrouping, refocusing, and rethinking plans. I've struggle with depression and anxiety so I've learned a little something over the years about the power of my mind.

I am not a victim.

I can choose.

So yesterday and today I am choosing to be well, to live well, to look toward the sun and be thankful for the life that*I* am creating...not my circumstances.

Life can be so very hard


Life Still Blooms


Look what is growing around my home...


pink hydrangeablooming tomatoesyoung broccoli

Saying Goodbye to Fiona

jasmine banks


Fiona died two weeks ago. She was a darter. She was hit by a car. I saw it happen. As much as you can train a dog, put them on a leash, and teach them... some still dart. That crazy little thing loved to chase cars and bolted out the front door anytime she got the chance. She'd gleefully run around like a lunatic and then voluntarily come home. Chasing her was nowhere near realistic. I knew, eventually, she'd be hurt. She acted like she was invincible. Cars usually win. I've lost many loved ones in my life. Their deaths were strewn with all kinds of issues and history. The thing about the death of a family pet is that the memories of them aren't strewn with ambivalence and difficult histories. The memories of our pets seem to be only marked with moments of unconditional love.  I LOVED Fiona in a deep way. Maybe more than my kids sometimes, but don't tell my kids.

I hated watching her die the way she did. Accidents happen.

I planted Peonies over Fiona's grave site this weekend. My last way to say goodbye.

Photo on 2012-03-25 at 20.31






Photo on 2012-08-13 at 21.32 #4