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Blog

These are my thoughts, yo.

Filtering by Tag: sadness

Who Am I? Where Am I Going?

jasmine banks

It is hard to not be jaded about the world. Texas legislators, Trayvon Martin, suffering, all of it... it is too much for my gentle spirit. The last couple of days I have felt frozen with anxiety. Is the world even good?

I want to believe so much that the good outweighs the bad. I do. But my recent working experience with The Company That Shall Not Be Named started my spiral into "OMG IS EVERYONE IN THE UNIVERSE AN ASSHOLE!" After I was told I wasn't a cultural fit I received numerous emails of ways the company had been unethical with other professionals. I can't lie. It left me jaded.  Garrett and I hit a wall. We celebrated 7 years and it felt more like a death. Add to that the impossibly painful current events and I am spent. Can we hide now? This world is crazy.

I am re-evaluating what I WHO I want to be in the world.

I value relationships. I value authenticity. I value strength, knowledge, love, honesty....

I know my depression colors things too, so I am trying to stay anchored.

Part of learning who you are can sometimes mean having people affirm what THEY see in you. I need people to hold me up right now. I am seriously struggling.

Who am I, y'all. Will you tell me?

In the meantime I am holding onto my kids. I am snuggling them close, smelling their hair, crying when I need to cry.  I am wrestling with meaning and working hard to determine where I am going in the world.

 

 

 

Depressed

jasmine banks

"Hello, This is your Captain, Depression, speaking."  

I don't just struggle with depression... I get my ass kicked by it.  People who interact with me from day to day hardly notice. Most people who know me tend to say, "I can't tell you even have depression."

Oh, you can't tell.

Probably because it took me 6 hours to talk myself into getting dressed and taking the dog to the vet. Because that is normal and all.

My sheer willpower is amazing. I really do WILL myself through a lot of my struggle. It makes me extra emotionally fatigued.

------------------ I wish I had an answer.

Meds? PFT. WTF.

I have some complicated medical problems that make meds difficult to manage and regulate.

Yoga. Tried it

Diet. HUNDREDS

Exercise. ALL the damn time

Cry. You bet.

Therapist. Saw so many, I decided to become one.

Prayer. Mmhmm

God. Tried Him, he built churches full of douchey people and they make depression worse. He needs to troubleshoot the system.

Sun lamp. boooooring

Holistic. NOT ENOUGH WHEATGRASS IN THE WORLD, y'all.

 

PTSD is part of the depressive diagnosis I have. Days run together feeling as though they will never end. I want to get better. I wish I had a WEEK, just a week, where I didn't feel so....

meh.

Writing helps.

But then people think you aren't capable, that you are an unreliable mess. Then you feel the need to hide.

This month has been rough.

Tomorrow I am going to try and get up, brush my hair, and get dressed for the day.

 

Depression is a liar, y'all.

 

Maybe I should try electro-shock therapy.

Saying Goodbye to Fiona

jasmine banks

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Fiona died two weeks ago. She was a darter. She was hit by a car. I saw it happen. As much as you can train a dog, put them on a leash, and teach them... some still dart. That crazy little thing loved to chase cars and bolted out the front door anytime she got the chance. She'd gleefully run around like a lunatic and then voluntarily come home. Chasing her was nowhere near realistic. I knew, eventually, she'd be hurt. She acted like she was invincible. Cars usually win. I've lost many loved ones in my life. Their deaths were strewn with all kinds of issues and history. The thing about the death of a family pet is that the memories of them aren't strewn with ambivalence and difficult histories. The memories of our pets seem to be only marked with moments of unconditional love.  I LOVED Fiona in a deep way. Maybe more than my kids sometimes, but don't tell my kids.

I hated watching her die the way she did. Accidents happen.

I planted Peonies over Fiona's grave site this weekend. My last way to say goodbye.

Photo on 2012-03-25 at 20.31

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Photo on 2012-08-13 at 21.32 #4