It is hard to not be jaded about the world. Texas legislators, Trayvon Martin, suffering, all of it... it is too much for my gentle spirit. The last couple of days I have felt frozen with anxiety. Is the world even good?
I want to believe so much that the good outweighs the bad. I do. But my recent working experience with The Company That Shall Not Be Named started my spiral into "OMG IS EVERYONE IN THE UNIVERSE AN ASSHOLE!" After I was told I wasn't a cultural fit I received numerous emails of ways the company had been unethical with other professionals. I can't lie. It left me jaded. Garrett and I hit a wall. We celebrated 7 years and it felt more like a death. Add to that the impossibly painful current events and I am spent. Can we hide now? This world is crazy.
I am re-evaluating what I WHO I want to be in the world.
I value relationships. I value authenticity. I value strength, knowledge, love, honesty....
I know my depression colors things too, so I am trying to stay anchored.
Part of learning who you are can sometimes mean having people affirm what THEY see in you. I need people to hold me up right now. I am seriously struggling.
Who am I, y'all. Will you tell me?
In the meantime I am holding onto my kids. I am snuggling them close, smelling their hair, crying when I need to cry. I am wrestling with meaning and working hard to determine where I am going in the world.