Project Totus has been a challenge. Getting well, and being; being whole takes a lot of work. Mainly I am going for congruency because "being whole" takes a lifetime, really. Recently I have been wrestling with a choice. When I started this project, I understood that part of A) not binge eating and B) learning to eat nutrient dense foods meant that I would be losing weight. I did good the first three weeks. I didn't worry about the scale. I chanted to myself, "This is NOT about a number on the scale. This is about feeling well and living whole..." As my body began to change and I found myself not fitting my "fat phase" clothes. *Pause*
Fat Phase Clothes: Clothing you keep around "in case" you gain weight again. These clothes are a selection of darker colors, strategically patterned clothing designed to help you appear "thinner". When you slim down, you are afraid to throw these clothes away for fear of gaining again and being unable to pull of sweat pants and baggy t-shirts for too long
My fat phase clothes were falling off my waist and I could feel a difference in my body. I broke my own rule and decided I would weigh myself. I found this:
Now some of you may be saying, "Sweet Tiny Baby Jesus that is a B-I-G number!" To that I would answer, "Yes.. yes it is." AND 278.6 is a big number too. 278.6 was where I started at. If you whip out your handy dandy calculators that means 19.4 lbs lost. That is twenty pounds off my body with about 80 percent compliance to my new way of eating, 3 teeny tiny binges (in comparison to what they were), and moderate exercise. I knooooow that I said that this wasn't about weight lose. When I weighed myself I had two reactions:
1) I freaked out because I was losing the comfort of what I believed shielded me from the world and pain.
2) I felt SO excited that I was seeing a measurable thing that represented how hard I have been fighting.
So I am on the fence. I don't want to get caught up in numbers- but it was awfully encouraging. What do you think? To weigh or not to weigh? That is the question.