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These are my thoughts, yo.


jasmine banks


Shiver me timbers. There be a youngin' in there!


I went to my risk assessment today. For all those who don't speak "homebirth" a risk assessment is when you are cleared for take off. I met with our local CNM (certified nurse midwife), the amazing Paula Hill and got my green light. Baby is in position, health is optimal and we are ready whenever Tobias is ready! Hooray.

This conversation happened while at my appointment:

Me: "I have been all crampy and stretchy do you mind checking my cervix to see if I am just totally crazy or if something is actually happening down there?"

Paula: *Big long explanation about how even if I am dilated I can go for weeks, blah blah* "Sure I can.... <KY application and medical finger insertion> MERCY! You are as soft as butter!!!"

Husband: *muffled giggling*

Me: "Um... should I take that as a compliment?"

Paula: " Absolutely! Your cervix is effaced. Now you get to wait for those contractions to open your cervix 8.5 more centimeters!"

Me: "I am still stuck on the butter thing...."

Husband: "I LOVE buter."

So we had some good news today. Now if we can get this damn air conditioner situation fixed! It was supposed to be fixed today. "Fixed" currently means running full blast with the house at 84 degrees and not moving. I will be a raging bitch if I have to birth at home in 85 degree heat. I mean... I know women in Africa and around the world and bladdy friggin' blah. I admire those women. I also have not spent my life tolerating this heat and um... I am a pansy. I want to birth my son in a pool, in my front room, in a nice temperament 70 degrees. And those heatwave birthin' ladies get a fucking gold star in my book. I am lighting candles tonight, praying to Jesus in His tiny golden fleece diaper, calling on Buddha, dialing the Mormon hotline, and whatever else I have to do to have some sort of divine intervention so that his A/C situation gets resolved with a quickness. Flying spaghetti monster? I'll totally pray to him or her. Does anyone know Tom Cruises' number? I hear he can use his Vulcan mind meld to make things happen (why else would Katie STILL be married to him, duh)