You do it too, don't you? That thing where you get REALLY excited about something and then you let your fear sabotage it. Maybe you meet her and she is amazing and you can't imagine your life without her. Or you got that job. It has minimal headache and it is stable and you are starting to enjoy your work. The worry of "what if" creeps in and you find yourself sabotaging (again). You get anxious about not getting a text back and wonder if she secretly doesn't like you. Your boss asks for a meeting and you immediately worry about getting fired. You got into that academic program, but you find yourself procrastinating at every turn because you are worried you'll fail. If you are anything like me, you create myriad scenarios that set yourself up for increased anxiety. You get your wheels spinning. You stay in this state and maybe even eventually blow shit up on purpose just to prove what you already knew would happen: you don't deserve good things.
You believe you don't deserve good things.
Somehow I've come to believe that I am supposed to suffer. I often find myself consumed with a process of something or what could go wrong instead of simply enjoying it. If it is positive and happening to me... well.... it can be easy to feel like it isn't real. If it is maybe I don't deserve it. We've adapted voices of abuse from our past into our most harmful inner critics and use those voices when fear rises up. We insist that we should be atoning for whatever character flaws we have and mistakes we have made. We convince ourselves that surely our accomplishments happened because someone was feeling sorry or made a mistake. We browbeat ourselves into believing that the world has nothing good for us. So we build a life that lacks soft spaces our tender hearts require. We deem ourselves undeserving of rest, fun, and love; and our mental lives bear the proof of our beliefs.