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Blog

These are my thoughts, yo.

Who Am I? Where Am I Going?

jasmine banks

It is hard to not be jaded about the world. Texas legislators, Trayvon Martin, suffering, all of it... it is too much for my gentle spirit. The last couple of days I have felt frozen with anxiety. Is the world even good?

I want to believe so much that the good outweighs the bad. I do. But my recent working experience with The Company That Shall Not Be Named started my spiral into "OMG IS EVERYONE IN THE UNIVERSE AN ASSHOLE!" After I was told I wasn't a cultural fit I received numerous emails of ways the company had been unethical with other professionals. I can't lie. It left me jaded.  Garrett and I hit a wall. We celebrated 7 years and it felt more like a death. Add to that the impossibly painful current events and I am spent. Can we hide now? This world is crazy.

I am re-evaluating what I WHO I want to be in the world.

I value relationships. I value authenticity. I value strength, knowledge, love, honesty....

I know my depression colors things too, so I am trying to stay anchored.

Part of learning who you are can sometimes mean having people affirm what THEY see in you. I need people to hold me up right now. I am seriously struggling.

Who am I, y'all. Will you tell me?

In the meantime I am holding onto my kids. I am snuggling them close, smelling their hair, crying when I need to cry.  I am wrestling with meaning and working hard to determine where I am going in the world.